We are small animals in the corridors of an endless labyrinth. We unintentionally stick to each other because we want to be so close that sometimes there is no space left. The illusion of freedom is in the rush, and the maze becomes almost infinite as the corridors open into each other. Like small animals, we long for the warmth of another body. We give each other food with a hug, and maybe your scent will soothe the fever.
You think you’re free, but for a small animal, even a prison is a whole world. And when you reach a dead end and hit the wall, you fall into a corner and curl up. You’re alone and falling, and you have to face yourself, a small animal. You want to escape into a hug because you want to feel that you’re not alone. You escape from yourself with such a crazy embrace that you even hurt yourself unconscious as desire blinds you.
(You have a waking smile in your eyes, and every tear starts to travel as your smile opens. At these moments, I love you a little differently because you’re the one I’ve been looking for. Your mask washes away a bit of the dewy sadness, and I see who you are as cracks open behind the walls of your desperate self-defense because you too have a waiting inside you not to be hurt by anyone.)
We walked our first curious paths in the labyrinth when we bumped into each other on an evening corridor. We went without words, and somehow we slowly got closer to each other. It was good to be this close, and we hadn’t even started to fear that there might be no way out of the maze. Then, in front of one of the walls, you turned in another direction, maybe I didn’t even notice when you started walking. Then, somewhere, the lack of you pierced me. I sat and searched for you in the flood of other small animals. I didn’t want to leave, I just waited for a chance encounter where I could catch up to you. I went back, then I didn’t, then I walked around in circles hoping that one of the walls would still preserve your scent. The circle was getting tighter, and I realized one night that I had been searching for only myself for a long time. I lost you, but I couldn’t believe it, and I wanted to understand where I was because I believed it would lead me back to you. I wanted to know and understand the labyrinth and all its laws so that if necessary, I could play it to get back to you. I found the source of the magic and drowned myself in it because if I looked into myself with it, I could see through the walls. I flew in a simple dream in the smoke, and every thought became a distant vortex that engulfed my eyes.
Every stone in the maze became infinitely open and turned to dust, then even the dust vanished and only perception remained open to infinite details. I wanted you and thought and longed for you and flew and thought and thought… When I began to get used to the painful emptiness inside, something missing that permeates everything invisibly and bitter wrinkles on the forehead of dreams, you were there again, and from the first moment you became everything again, and I wanted to be happy and didn’t want to feel the smell of the other animal on you. You needed that smell, and so I couldn’t help feeling it too. You dressed in it at some point and didn’t want to take it off, so I couldn’t touch you even though I was crazy for you. (You don’t know now that I see you sitting there and maybe you would never let go, how you kick me and I can’t believe that it’s your leg, because if I did, I wouldn’t be able to love you anymore.) I get confused even in this story, because this memory is no longer as it once was. The past changes constantly within me, and with every passing minute, there is more that I can only remember. I can no longer recall this story in which I once wanted to teach and console you at the same time. I only remember exactly that at that moment when I was weaving a blanket from this story and stroking you, everything that was tense between us took on a form in the shadows of the maze. You loved me then, I know, and you couldn’t believe that you could hurt me and I would comfort you, and I loved the pain you caused because without it, I couldn’t have seen how through your tears you became a rose for a moment, sharing your thorns, dew, and even the night, where become firstly flower to world.