maybe

Therefore, you know, I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that I believe in fate, and the more one deals with finding themselves in this strange fabric that is life, the more they experience it… Sometimes they dream it, sometimes they piece together the thousand fragments, other times they unravel a thread in the tangle all the way to the source… But everything leads somewhere, just as it all begins somewhere, and I think we are just as much billions of tiny pieces as the world around us, and perhaps just as we can unravel the threads of the world around us to the source – and then of course the source itself continues all the way to the source of the source flowing into infinity – a tree, a person, or an event, we can also go back on our own pieces… I believe a person is not a whole alone, just half of what they could be. And if I trace my own threads back to the source, or further to the source of the source if necessary, and find that point where we split, then your threads will lead me to you, and we can finally do what we’re meant to do, and live in what we only remember as a fleeting feeling in our dreams: now it’s good. That’s why we search for each other inside ourselves so restlessly. Since I can remember, I somehow feel that there is someone out there for me. Just as I am for them. I dream, I remember the feeling, but I don’t remember the face. I try to imagine the dream in everyone, hoping they’ll look back at me. I get closer and closer, always resembling more. Every time it hurts more when I realize it’s not, it’s just similar…
I cannot rest, I feel like I’ve been searching for you for centuries or a thousand dream years, and I won’t settle for less. It’s either yes or no, compromise is not an option for me. You cannot be half-lost, half-floating, or half-loved. That’s not it. That’s compromise, that’s settling, that’s lying. It’s breaking the most beautiful thing I’ve ever wanted or remembered for myself. I have to keep going, keep trying to finally soar and truly fly… and then falling again and again, enduring it all over and over until exhaustion convinces me to throw away rest and continue with broken wings, trying to fly again. Going after the thread that seems to disappear into infinity and believing, always believing, that there is a reason, because at the end of the thread, we finally touch and make the dream a reality. Those who always compromise because they’re afraid to let go of that half-life, see it as madness, don’t understand why we have to keep going, or sometimes, on the contrary, get hit in the same place over and over again. I know. I even know that the reason why I fell the hardest last time was that I had to rise so high to avoid getting stuck there, exhausted from the previous compromise, because I would have been stuck there, because it was almost enough and I was too tired to admit to myself that almost is not enough. Because it’s either whole or not. Almost whole doesn’t exist because it’s called incomplete.
I don’t want to feel a sense of lack throughout my whole life, you, whom I feel in my dreams but I don’t know who you are when I’m awake, don’t feel a sense of lack throughout your life either. Because without each other, we only do this much, we feel the lack in everything. I’ve been on this journey for a long time, wandering, and seeing the lines in the forest more and more clearly. I feel like I’m getting closer.
I saw you. One of your thoughts touched me. I looked at you. I saw you. You touched me from afar with your gentle, beautiful, sad eyes, drifting, knowing what it’s like, how there’s always something missing… somehow, I just think of you… or with you?
And somehow I feel like you’re feeling something too, something that’s awakening, as if it’s always been there, just asleep, because at some point, maybe in dream lives before, it got disconnected from its other half and so it can’t live awake, it just smolders, hoping to attract its lost other half.
I’ve been following the spark of a dream for as long as I can remember, I think I’ve been to that source, gone back and forth, and here and there in time, in space like a glass marble… 🙂
It gives me shivers that maybe almost everything will disappear in front of this… and it’s from you…
I want to touch you. I want to feel your scent. I want to caress you. I want to know if time stops. I want to know if we’re whole. I have to look into your eyes to see if you’ll enchant me forever.
Maybe you’re sleeping now and maybe you’re dreaming… maybe you understand…